Just need to rant.

 

So yeah, that quote is big and at the top of the page because it just covers how I feel today. I have never been the overly romantic type. I'm not some Disney princess who dreams of a Prince Charming who will come rescue her from her hard life. I don't really enjoy romantic movies and if you come at me with some cheesy one-liner fit for those type of scripts, I'll most likely laugh at you. I don't wear dresses, makeup is a pain, and if by the third date, we haven't gone to some kind of sporting event, we're done. (Okay, that's a new rule but I really like it). I'm the girl in jeans and a t-shirt with a baseball cap because it means I don't have to care about what my hair looks like. I prefer my running shoes, boots, and chacos to any fancy heel ever made. I sweat at least once a day because it makes me feel like I actually challenged my body in some way. I'm not a girly girl, and I have never been. Just ask my grandmother about how I starting cussing about wearing a "damn pink dress" for a beauty pagent when I was three.. yes, even then I knew who I was. With all that being said though, society does sometimes try to force those damn gender roles on us. I won't lie, the idea of someone being a real gentleman with opening doors for me and buying me flowers is an entertaining idea, but those aren't things that are going to win me over. I need intelligent conversation, someone who challenges me, and someone who is not afraid to disagree with me. I don't want someone to accept everything I do and go out of their way to make me happy. Happiness is my job and I'll not be finding it in someone else. Unfortunately it did take me a while to learn that last little bit.
You see, due to cinematic and literary love stories, I fell victim to the thought of that is how love was supposed to go. Everything would fall into place beautifully, the two of you would get along so well, and at the end of the day your cheeks would be hurting from smiling so much. But the stories always stop at the "happy ending". They don't tell about the hard times where you have to really fight to get through because that's not what they want to hear. Some people have it in their heads that as soon as the happiness runs out, its time to move on. I think our guest speaker (and the first author to sign their book for me) in Philosophy class, John Lachs said it best, that "happiness is not about how you feel. It is not just a feeling.  It's about your contentment with you life. You could be happy but have a cold and "feel" crappy. But your life in that moment is not terrible.. you have many things to be happy and grateful for." He of course, talked more about it, but the point is that placing your happiness on the responsibility of others is just ridiculous. It is not their damn job. And if you want to walk away from something you committed yourself to just because you have lost your sense of happiness, well good luck ever finding it again because you're just chasing after something you'll never catch. The way in which we own up to our actions and our responsibilities says more about our character than any words that ever come out of our mouths. People can defend their actions, if they really care that much about the opinions of others, but for me, I will do as I see fit because I am the only one who has to live with the consequences. When I fall in love, I tend to lose myself in that person. I give them everything. I am so eager for them to know me that I forget that I haven't really gotten to know myself yet. It's like showing someone a stream or river.. no two people are going to see it the same because it is constantly moving and changing as it flows. Every experience changes me a bit each day, and some more than others. Those experiences that break you down to your core and make you really decide on how to approach the next day. The ones that make you consider how the next thought you have will impact your journey.. those are the experiences that shape us the most. I don't blame people anymore for their actions.. I am sure they have their reasons but it just doesn't concern me. This is my life and it is my journey to figure out who I am going to be. Not meant to be, mind you, because I don't believe in that. Not anymore. I believe I am giving opportunities each day and they are just forks in the road where I get to choose where I am going. My path isn't set or easy or clear, but it is mine. And I want to get to know myself and be comfortable with that person before I introduce her to anyone else. I think I have neglected letting her in out of fear of who she might be.. out of fear that she might not be accepted. But I'm the only person who's acceptance matters.. and I am the only person who can make that choice. I don't need someone to save me from myself, I'm perfectly capable on my own. I don't need someone to fit some missing link in my life.. I'm not missing anything. I don't need someone to tell me to take responsibility for myself.. I've handled that longer than you know. And I sure as hell don't need a man to determine my role in this life.. my gender doesn't define me. It just lets me get out of speeding tickets more easily :)  Ha. I just think that the idea of love is a bit twisted for many people.. love is as much a choice and an action as it is a feeling. It is something you choose to open yourself up to.. and it is never going to be easy. It is something you work at.. just like everything else that is worth having. I don't want a happy ending, because I don't want an ending. I want a journey.. which is what my life is right now. There are going to be many things I encounter and many people I meet that I would like to stop and hold onto, but continuing will always be what I'm meant to do. Someone once called me a runner.. not in the literal sense of marathons and such (me and and that kind of running do not get along so well), but in the sense that I can't stay in one place for very long. Which I have to say I agree with. I don't like sitting still. I'm not running from anyone or anything, really, just running towards something.. towards opportunities, experiences, and challenges. And if one day I meet someone who is okay with running with me, then hey, that's great. I hope he likes tea, books, and horror movies. If not though, well then maybe my happy ending is just with me. And I am okay with that. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely.