Just need to rant.

 

So yeah, that quote is big and at the top of the page because it just covers how I feel today. I have never been the overly romantic type. I'm not some Disney princess who dreams of a Prince Charming who will come rescue her from her hard life. I don't really enjoy romantic movies and if you come at me with some cheesy one-liner fit for those type of scripts, I'll most likely laugh at you. I don't wear dresses, makeup is a pain, and if by the third date, we haven't gone to some kind of sporting event, we're done. (Okay, that's a new rule but I really like it). I'm the girl in jeans and a t-shirt with a baseball cap because it means I don't have to care about what my hair looks like. I prefer my running shoes, boots, and chacos to any fancy heel ever made. I sweat at least once a day because it makes me feel like I actually challenged my body in some way. I'm not a girly girl, and I have never been. Just ask my grandmother about how I starting cussing about wearing a "damn pink dress" for a beauty pagent when I was three.. yes, even then I knew who I was. With all that being said though, society does sometimes try to force those damn gender roles on us. I won't lie, the idea of someone being a real gentleman with opening doors for me and buying me flowers is an entertaining idea, but those aren't things that are going to win me over. I need intelligent conversation, someone who challenges me, and someone who is not afraid to disagree with me. I don't want someone to accept everything I do and go out of their way to make me happy. Happiness is my job and I'll not be finding it in someone else. Unfortunately it did take me a while to learn that last little bit.
You see, due to cinematic and literary love stories, I fell victim to the thought of that is how love was supposed to go. Everything would fall into place beautifully, the two of you would get along so well, and at the end of the day your cheeks would be hurting from smiling so much. But the stories always stop at the "happy ending". They don't tell about the hard times where you have to really fight to get through because that's not what they want to hear. Some people have it in their heads that as soon as the happiness runs out, its time to move on. I think our guest speaker (and the first author to sign their book for me) in Philosophy class, John Lachs said it best, that "happiness is not about how you feel. It is not just a feeling.  It's about your contentment with you life. You could be happy but have a cold and "feel" crappy. But your life in that moment is not terrible.. you have many things to be happy and grateful for." He of course, talked more about it, but the point is that placing your happiness on the responsibility of others is just ridiculous. It is not their damn job. And if you want to walk away from something you committed yourself to just because you have lost your sense of happiness, well good luck ever finding it again because you're just chasing after something you'll never catch. The way in which we own up to our actions and our responsibilities says more about our character than any words that ever come out of our mouths. People can defend their actions, if they really care that much about the opinions of others, but for me, I will do as I see fit because I am the only one who has to live with the consequences. When I fall in love, I tend to lose myself in that person. I give them everything. I am so eager for them to know me that I forget that I haven't really gotten to know myself yet. It's like showing someone a stream or river.. no two people are going to see it the same because it is constantly moving and changing as it flows. Every experience changes me a bit each day, and some more than others. Those experiences that break you down to your core and make you really decide on how to approach the next day. The ones that make you consider how the next thought you have will impact your journey.. those are the experiences that shape us the most. I don't blame people anymore for their actions.. I am sure they have their reasons but it just doesn't concern me. This is my life and it is my journey to figure out who I am going to be. Not meant to be, mind you, because I don't believe in that. Not anymore. I believe I am giving opportunities each day and they are just forks in the road where I get to choose where I am going. My path isn't set or easy or clear, but it is mine. And I want to get to know myself and be comfortable with that person before I introduce her to anyone else. I think I have neglected letting her in out of fear of who she might be.. out of fear that she might not be accepted. But I'm the only person who's acceptance matters.. and I am the only person who can make that choice. I don't need someone to save me from myself, I'm perfectly capable on my own. I don't need someone to fit some missing link in my life.. I'm not missing anything. I don't need someone to tell me to take responsibility for myself.. I've handled that longer than you know. And I sure as hell don't need a man to determine my role in this life.. my gender doesn't define me. It just lets me get out of speeding tickets more easily :)  Ha. I just think that the idea of love is a bit twisted for many people.. love is as much a choice and an action as it is a feeling. It is something you choose to open yourself up to.. and it is never going to be easy. It is something you work at.. just like everything else that is worth having. I don't want a happy ending, because I don't want an ending. I want a journey.. which is what my life is right now. There are going to be many things I encounter and many people I meet that I would like to stop and hold onto, but continuing will always be what I'm meant to do. Someone once called me a runner.. not in the literal sense of marathons and such (me and and that kind of running do not get along so well), but in the sense that I can't stay in one place for very long. Which I have to say I agree with. I don't like sitting still. I'm not running from anyone or anything, really, just running towards something.. towards opportunities, experiences, and challenges. And if one day I meet someone who is okay with running with me, then hey, that's great. I hope he likes tea, books, and horror movies. If not though, well then maybe my happy ending is just with me. And I am okay with that. Being alone doesn't mean you're lonely.

Final Stretch

I have obviously not been placing much importance on this blog for the past week(s) or so. It is that last final stretch of the Spring semester and all those papers are coming due and I am trying to juggle everything and still manage to find time to sleep. Plus, the weather is getting better and laying out in the sun or just going for walks is looking more and more inviting all the time. Problem is, walking and reading or writing is quite difficult. So it's is more likely that you can find me in my room or the library posted up close to a window so I can at least look at the pretty outside while I'm hacking away at the mound of work I need to get done. But I am not complaining.. okay, maybe a bit. But I'm not overly upset at what I have to do.. just a tad bit daunted. My mind is slowly easing into relaxing, lazy, summer mode and I'm on the other end of the rope trying to tug it back into academic mode for just a few more weeks. It's like that last quarter mile of your run where you've almost convinced yourself you don't need to keep going. You've done enough, you do need to cool down, your legs hurt, you'd like to breathe normally again.. but no, there's no point in coming this far and quitting now. So you dig into whatever reserve of energy that you never seem to be able to find at any other time and somehow cross that line. Then you pass out and die the small death that running a long distance inevitably forces upon you. That's how I imagine I will feel the last day of exams. As for right now, I'm drawing on that last bit of energy and planning every second of everyday to get the maximum amount of studying in. As long as pinterest stops distracting me.

I'm actually skipping my morning history class so that I can hopefully get through the last few chapters of the book I need to write a report on. The book has been a very entertaining read.. just long. But at least I have enjoyed it. I've got three review papers due on Thursday, so since I've only missed one day of that class and I'm allowed four, yeah it's being bumped down on my priority list. Not to mention I've had just about all I can take of that professor and his utter lack of hearing.

Today just feels like a good day. Yesterday was pretty productive so let's hope that continues. Plus I got more tea over the weekend and went grocery shopping yesterday, so I am set! Oh, and I painted my toenails last night.. I'll usually got months with the same (or none at all) polish because I'm just too lazy to paint them. So the fact that I did should implicate how awesome this week is bound to be! And yes, I did just use toenail polish as an implication that I'm gonna have a good week. There are definitely worse examples.

Back to the Real World..

If the lack of posts hasn't clued you in to how insanely swamped I have been since getting back to school, then my crazy mess of a living space would. Well, I guess only if you knew me and my OCD habits.. My roommate makes fun of me a bit because everything is usually pretty neat and organized. I can't help it. Everything has a specific spot and I prefer that it stay in it. I mean, I even still make my bed. More so that I don't jump into it and pass out in those small breaks between classes, but hey, whatever works. But lately it has been a bit crowded and unorganized simply because everything else takes a back seat to my studies. I mean, it is pretty much the main reason I am here. I just have to remind myself that.. multiple times a day. I have unfortunately been met with 0% motivation since returning from Iceland. The travel fever set in and blocked my mind to everything I that was ordinary. Which is really unpleasant when you have 6 papers, a group project, and French exams to that need attention. So yeah, I haven't really taken much time to breathe, much less write.

But I just needed a breather, so since I only have films in both my classes tomorrow (and I have finished all work that absolutely needed to be done by tonight) I decided to just type a bit. And I am going home this weekend to just get even more of a break. I am hoping it will help clear my head a bit and give me a moment to remind myself how motivated and excited I was in the beginning. Not that I am completely bogged down right now.. it's just that final stretch nonsense kicking in where you gotta pull on your spare reserves to make it across the finish line.

At the moment I am stuck in limbo as to what to do about summer. I would really like to stay on campus and take classes, but residence halls unfortunately do not offer free lodging for summer. Actually, the cost for little over 2 months stay in summer is the same as the costs for staying a full semester. Insane, right? And since my Tuition Assistance has been temporarily suspended (I ranted about that in person enough that I don't feel the need to type it out.. you're welcome) money is a major issue. I also just paid for a pretty costly repair to my vehicle today, so that was a hindrance I certainly could have done without. Oh well. If by chance I am forced to leave for summer, you can bet I am gonna spend it exploring. Something, somewhere, anywhere. I'm gonna try new food, see new sights, meet new people, and read. Maybe I can make a dent in that 100+ list of books I seem to add to everyday. Sigh.. maybe that's what I need. I did say I wasn't going to rush this, right? I just went all starry eyed when my adviser said I could possibly graduate next spring if I did summer classes. Why do we get so excited when we get closed to finishing something? Why does conquering a goal become the main focus? Why can't we just enjoy the journey more? Bah.

Enough stressing.. it will all work out one way or another. Good things I have discovered? Two new teas for my Keurig machine that I am absolutely addicted to. One is a lemon herbal tea and the other is a mandarin orange spice tea. Oh my goodness gracious they are wonderful! Unfortunately I only ordered trial boxes of 5 servings, so I am forcing myself to ration them. But the full boxes will most certainly be in my next order. Some people may scoff at a fancy coffee machine, but I adore mine. Coffee in the morning, green tea at lunch, and herbal tea in the evening. It is worth every penny. I also tried English Breakfast Tea, simply because I've never had it but I see it everywhere, and I don't understand the hype. I mean it's good, I guess.. doesn't really taste like much. But there was this one tea that I had in the Iceland airport that was mind-blowingly fantastic.. the brand was lipton and it was something to do with blue fruits.. tasted mostly like blue raspberry. But I haven't found it here. Just like that dang soda I had there that was so amazing and not available here. Downside of travel: falling in love with foods and drinks that you are unable to get back home.

Oh and sidenote, tattoo has completely healed. I love how peoples' eyes light up after they ask me what it means and I explain it and tell them where I got it. Someone actually called me an inspiration the other day. Not gonna lie... major stroking of my ego. If I inspire just one person to find the courage to step outside their comfort zone, well I can rest easy with that.

Pictures :)

Geysir

 

 Super Jeep

 Gulfoss

 Silfra

 Seljalandsfoss

 Crater Glacier

Skógafoss

View from atop the Perlan

 

 Saga Museum statue

Sólfarið - The Sun Voyager

 And of course, Stormer and I :)

Airports

I do not like airports. They are stress traps designed to make the simplest of tasks so insanely complicated. And you know the employees can't stand their jobs because I hardly ever meet anyone who doesn't look like they're one bad look away from strangling someone. And each airport is different.. Leaving Iceland, didn't have to take my shoes off. Leaving Phoenix, they went through my bag and wanted to pull out each little item. It is paranoia to the extreme going through a damn security checkpoint. Everyone is a terrorist until proven innocent. One day I would really love to watch some one just scream "bomb!" And just see how everyone would react. I wouldn't want to do it personally because I think my short bit of patience and smart mouth would just get me into further trouble if I were ever detained, but I would sure love to witness it.

So yeah, I am once again sitting in the airport with the stuffy air and the mirgaine slowly trickling in. It never fails. Flying takes so much out of me. I would like to think if I wasn't claustrophobic I might handle it better, but that's just wishful thinking. Running on four hours of sleep might be a bit of a hinderance as well, but oh well. I hate sleeping ln planes because I always wake up with the worst pain in my neck and sometimes my lower back. The flight back from Iceland was especially rough on my back, but I guess that's to be expected from a 7 1/2 hour flight.

But I am back state side and as I have said many times, I am not happy about it. After breakfast Sunday morning, I just went walking around the streets in Reykjavik. The stores weren't open and people weren't out (except for the lady walking a pair of really happy and friendly Scottish terriers) but it was the quiet peacfulness that I enjoyed. I really did not want to leave. I may hate the journey of getting somewhere (the flying part at least) but I am officially in love with travel and exploration. I feel new motivation to explore as much as possible, even if I am not leaving the country or the state. I read a quote somewhere that traveling isn't so much about being somewhere different, but seeing your surroundings in a different way. That sounds a little easier and a whole lot cheaper way to occupy my time until my next adventure.

Oh, and pictures will come either later today or tomorrow.. We will see how long it takes me to crash once I get back.

Iceland Day 6: Blue Lagoon, Puffin, and packing

My last night here.. My post for yesterday went up late because I was spent from the trip last night and got as much sleep as I could before being picked up for the Blue Lagoon. It is Iceland's most famous geothermal spa and for good reason! It is amazing. The majority of Iceland is run on geothermal power and there are tons of hot springs all over. The Blue Lagoon is the largest and sit on the tectonic plate rift. It's waters are bright blue and truly bath-water temperature. Walking in I was watching my breath clouds in front of my face thinking, "There is snow on the ground and I am really about to go swimming?" As a Southerner, that just goes against every natural instinct. But the water was just too inviting.

Now, my French professor had mentioned before that Europeans have no aversion to nudity, but that tidbit of knowledge didn't resurface from my memory until I rounded the corner in the locker room to see three women standing by their lockers chatting away without a stitch on. Showering en masse in basic training broke me of any lingering shyness I might have had, but when you have tattoos, you sometimes forget that they draw attention. So it was a very interesting experience to have a German woman question me about my rib tattoo after I took off my shirt, and then continue to remark on the rest as I tried to finish getting undressed. You needed to shower without your bathing suit first before going in the water, as well as put in comditioner in your hair because the water isn't so gentle on your hair. Great for skin, not so much on hair. So shower, bathing suit, fluffy bath robe, and then out to the water. Like I said, outside is cold. The water was hot, so there is tons of steam flowing off the top and giving the pool a very ethereal look. Tossing off the robe and dashing into the water to escape the cold didn't seem to be the best way to avoid standing out, so I found the rack closest to the waters edge, disrobed, and walked very quickly to the steps. Once in the water though, oh every muscle thanked me and my mind told me a nap would not be protested. I took my phone with me for some pictures, and got plenty of weird looks, but this was the moment that the LifeProof case purchase came in handy. I tried the white silica mud mask that promised exfoliation and smooth skin, and although it felt good, I think it dried my skin out just a bit. An hour and a half flew by although I was just lounging, wading, and floating through the water without a care in the world. That place could make you forget time and responsibilities completely.

For my final dinner here, I vowed to try Puffin. It's those cute little birds that look like penguins, but they aren't. Apprently they are very clumsy at flying and are known to crash often, but very graceful in the water. Another thing that they are is tasty. It was a three course meal (complete with me trying to figure out which stupid fork was for what... I am so not made for fanciness) with smoked Puffin first and Grilled Puffin next. The meat is very dark brown but very tender. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't comfortable eating meat that still has a bit of bloodiness to it, because the way I understand it is that it will develop the consistency of a leather shoe if you cook it too long. I like steaks medium so it was perfect to me. I can't really compare the taste to anything I have had before, but it certainly doesn't taste like chicken. It is just good.. Plain and simple. Oh and random note.. I honestly believe strawberries taste better here. All the ones I have had have been so wonderful. Come to think of it, I don't think I have eaten anything here I did not like. Which is suprising for me because I am usually a very picky eater. Still not trying the horse though.
Another thing that stood out to me at dinner was how much I enjoyed being surrounded by so many different languages. Every conversation I could here was spoken in a different language and although I didn't understand any, except for a few snippets of French, it was a plesant sound. Just listening to the differences in punctuation and watching body language to try to guess at the meaning. Languages have always fascinated me and it is one of those skills you can never run out of ways to improve. I'd like to test my own limits of mutiple language comprehension.

And now its night and it is time for me to pack. I really do not want to say goodbye to this country tomorrow. Its like you just got to watch ten minutes of a movie and you're dying to know the rest. And you know you won't be at peace until you see the end. Iceland, my dear, you call to me and I promise to return one day.

Iceland Day 5: Gelato, Museum, Ink, and the Aurora Borealis!!

Yes, the post says Gelato. I had never had it before and since I had understood it as originating in Europe (could be wrong) I figured I should try it while I was here. The server gave me like three scoops of the stuff and a lady that passed by when I first got it and when I was almost finished remarked on how long it took me to eat it all. But it was delicious! Better than ice cream, no, I'm Southern and partial to fattening foods that are absolutely horrible for me, but it was wonderful.
I got it while waiting for the Saga Museum to open up at the Perlan, or "The Pearl". It was a beautiful dome shaped museum that sat on the top of the hill in Reykjavik so you had an excellent view of the city from outside and up top. The museum was made by the owner and a lot of the life-like models were molded from people in the town. You were given a head set that told the story of Iceland as you walked through the museum. I love history as long as its a subject I am interested in, and the more I am here, the more I want to know everything. Maybe thats why I bought three more books in the bookstore...
After the museum, it was time for my tattoo appointment. I had stopped in the shop called "Reykjavik Ink" and although at first I was disappointed that the owner and artist were not Icelandic, it was nice to speak with a fellow Southern about our experiences here. He was from Alabama and is lucky enough to get to come here once or twice a year to stay and tattoo a bit. Now, I know there are a lot of people who do not agree with permanently inking your skin, most of my family included, but I would like to stress that just because something is not what you would do yourself, does not make it bad. The main difference between inked people and those that are not, we will never (most of us anyways) judge you for not being tattooed. You haven't found anything you're willing to commit to memory through pain and self-expression? That doesn't bother me one bit. Thats your choice and I respect that. So please extend me the same courtesy because I love my tattoos. They are a story of important events in my life, and since I am the only one who sat through the pain to get them, I am THE only one who's opinion matters on them. Most people follow the flow of what their society deems as beautiful, but I've always had way too much fun challenging things, and the ink in my skin is beautiful to me.

Okay, enough ranting. You get the picture. The tat session took maybe 30 or 40 minutes.. I didn't really keep track because 1. The sound of a tattoo gun drives me nuts and I always talk or find some other way to tune it out, and 2. It was an interesting conversation so I was pleasantly distracted. But it wasn't so long that the shops were closed after I was done. The shops here in town all start closing down around 6, which is kind of early when you think about it. But the more I paid attention to the people and the way they work, I realized that interaction with one another was important. Iceland has become a popular tourist spot after their economic downfall, but it wasn't always that way. It used to be pretty expensive to visit here and its clear that although they see the benefits of the tourism, most Icelanders can't help but feel slightly invaded. The number of tourists visiting the country annually is well over the number of actual citizens. It's a fine line between being proud of your country and all it has to offer, but also protecting it and the way of life you are used to. So although it may sometimes be a hassle for me, I respect that they value their own culture enough not to change for the benefit of tourists. They close shop and go home to their families.

So after dinner, I had enough time to grab a quick nap before the bus picked me up for the Northern Lights tour. When the bus picked me up, the guide said I could sit up front, and oh I am so thanful for that. We drove back out to the National Park and the wind picked up considerably in that time. We were well away from the light pollution of the city and parked of the road a bit in the snow with a good view of the horizon. The stars were so bright and our guide was telling us so many things about the Lights. It was wonderful to hear how excited he was about them although he has seen them more times than he can remember. He said they are something you just don't get tired of, especially because they are never the same. We had been sitting there staring at the sky for about an hour and a half, getting a little discouraged because although the stars were breathtaking, it wasn't the sights we were braving the cold for. Then they started. It was just a faint green hue off in the distance in the form of three green streaks, almost like someone had taken a paint brush and just made three quick stripes to check and make sure that was the color they wanted. For the next two hours we watched them brighten and fade, dance in ribbons and columns, burst out from a ball and spread out, change from green to purple to pink. The guide said sometimes red can be seen, but its super rare, and he has only ever seen it twice in his life. Now, I thought they always did the ribbon-like movement, because it seems like thats the only example I have ever seen in movies or pictures. But no, those lights have no set script of how they dance. I had tears in my eyes.. Not gonna lie. When you've dreamed about seeing something for so long, and then you do, well.. The word overwhelmed come to mind. The guide and I sat in the front of the bus discussing the lights and colors while everyone else watched from outside. I could see the lights without risking frostbite.. I had the best seat in the house. If you have never looked at something and been struck speechless with the awe and beauty of it, I sincerely hope your path leads you there and soon. That feeling reminds you you are alive and capable of experiencing this world and that in and of itself is beautiful.